A LOOK INSIDE MY JOURNAL

All of you have been so good to me.

You have prayed and encouraged.

You have sent cards and messages and flowers and food and gifts.

So I wanted to give you an update on whats going on.

As you know two years ago they found a mass in my abdomen.

It turned out to be retroperitoneal fibrosis.

It's rare.

Not many people have it and so they don't know a lot about it.

I had to have a scan back in the early spring, the first of March I think anyway at that time we found out the mass had grown five times bigger.

That scared the doctors as they felt sure it had transformed into a cancer.

So we had to have more scans more tests and wait.

Then thankfully this month I had another biopsy.

We went to the dr. yesterday and he said the drs at U of L could not tell what it was so once again they sent the tissue sample to the Mayo Clinic.

Good news, wonderful news, it has not transformed. It is not cancer.

It is still the retroperitoneal fibrosis.

Bad news is it is growing and the dr referred to it as an infestation.

I know, not exactly a word you want you used in the same sentence as your name right?

Anyway it has spread out all over.

Surgery to remove it isn't an option.

So we are going to try medications to slow it down or hopefull stop it all together.

The only thing its bothering right now is my left kidney.

He said it has totally encased it and the tubes. He said it's like a cast around it.

So they are doing things to help that and more things may be ahead, things I don't want so I'm asking you to please pray for the mass to shrink and pull away from the kidney.

Every since this started you have been sending me prayers and scriptures and quotes.

I have been writing them all down in a journal.

I rewrite what you prayed as well as I can remember.

I copy down the scripture you send and I write over the prayers you send.

I go out on the porch or I sit here in the living room in my chair and I read them outloud everyday.

One day I was on the porch and as I was reading over some of the healing verses I stopped.

I sat there and looked out across the field and was quiet.

I wondered why I wanted healed.

Maybe not really why, maybe more of what for?

Right in the middle of reading all of those verses and prayers I stopped and I wrote the words...."after restoration then what"?

Was I asking to be healed so I could sit on the porch and look across the field?

Was I asking to be healed because it was scary not to be?

Was I asking so I could be comfortable and do what I wanted?

When God granted our request, then what?

What was it being granted for?

God has opened so many doors for me.

I didn't even know to be looking for a door.

I never ever thought I would be anyone who would help teach let alone teach a ladies Bible study.

Then I got asked to.

I didn't go after it, God brought it to me.

Something happened.

God showed up.

Please don't think I'm putting myself down, I'm not but I know truth and you know it too.

I'm not smart.

I'm not good with punctuation.

I don't even care about it.

When something hits my heart I just type it out.

I never plan ahead and I don't think about it. I just type whats on my heart.

It's as simple as simple can be but somehow God swooped in and took it and made it make sense and people responded.

So I kept teaching and then this fb blog thing happened.

Everyone kept telling me to do it and I kept thinking no because I know the truth about me.

I'm not good at that sort of thing.

I can write a whole list of things that make me not qualified.

But I finally felt like I had to  it was like one day God just said, get up Kelly and do it.

Then when the book happened it was the same thing.

Everyone telling me to do it and me not doing it.

Then one day I was at the counter and I just knew it was time.

Once again it was like God said, okay it's time now.

I got up went to the computer and that was it.

There are other new doors opening for me now and they have opened a few times before but I quick shut them.

They scared me.
They were once again going to lead to things I wasn't good at.


Things I'm not good enough to do.

After closing several of them other doors of the same type kept opening.

I felt like all I was doing was running down a hallway slamming doors shut.

Finally I started to walk through one of them.

I didn't do so great.

I did't know if it was because I wasn't supposed to go through or was it just a beginners bump.

So long story short today I had another door open.

I'm not going to shut it to quick.

I'm starting to think God is doing a new thing.

And that brings me to you.

If God can do the things he has done in my life just think what he can do with someone like you!

Can you even imagine the things he has for you?

You will never be happier or more content than when you are doing what God put in you to do.

So don't be like me.

Don't run and slam doors.

Keep your eyes wide open.

Savor every little thing that is in your life today.

There is no ordinary thing.

The flowers in the field are not ordinary so notice them.

The rain drops hitting the windshield are amazing  so notice them.

Look at your husbands hands, don't you just love them?

Look in your children's eyes, listen to their voices.

One of the things I wrote in my journal was this, "I need to be aware of God speaking to me.

Then I wrote, "I need to listen to what he gives me through others."

You listen too.

We aren't here just to count off the days.

We have purpose and we have things that have been prepared for us to do

We don't want to miss them.

We are all made new by God.

If we want it, restoration comes to all of us.

It might be a physical one or it might be an emotional one but it's there if we want it.

Want it.

Grab on to it.

Keep your eyes open and listen for God... listen to the confirmations he sends though others.

Nothing in life is without use.

Embrace where you are.

Embrace who you are and watch what God can do.

Don't think it has to big.

But also know the big things are the little things.

I'm going to check into the opportunities that God is presenting me with but I'm going to also still know that my biggest job is loving my family.

My focus has always been them.

Loving Mark and my children and now grandchildren will always be number one.

I don't want to ever get so busy I'm not available for them.

I treasure them more than life and so my life has been for them and for whatever God brings to me.

I have written the following couple of things in my journal as well.

1.I'm learning to listen.

2.I am learning to trust.

3. I am learning to go through the process and not dread it but embrace it.

Yesterday I had a bad day.

I was sad.

I was tired.

I cried most of the day.

Long about dark I came to myself and acted like I believed what I believed.

Don't be to hard on yourself if you miss the mark once in a while but the point is get up, keep going and keep living.

Live everyday to it's fullest.

Everyday I discover new blessings and I hope you do too.





Comments

  1. Praying.. You are such an encouragement. That is a gift from God.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Prayers for you! I appreciate your vulnerability, honesty, and nonstop encouragement. In this age of do many false prophets, you are proof that God can work through one of us to reach many! Thank you and prayers for you and yours! 🙏🏼❤️🙏🏼

    ReplyDelete
  3. You've been in my thoughts and prayers a lot, Kelly. While I am SO happy that it is not cancer, I really hope that something can be done to grant you some relief.
    I really liked this post. It's quite timely for me.
    You wrote...
    "We aren't here just to count off the days.
    We have purpose and we have things that have been prepared for us to do
    We don't want to miss them."
    So true. I don't want to just count the days...I REALLY need to see my purpose. (I just don't right now)
    Thanks for the update and the post.
    Sending love your way.

    ReplyDelete
  4. How did I miss this, I'm sorry. Prayers and love your to you.

    ReplyDelete

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